How Could I?
by Sanguine Quill
Summary: Another ROTOQ fic. told from Riff's POV. He is trying to deal with what he did to Magenta. Please R/R. Thanx


Disclaimer: I (obviously) don't own any of these characters or ROTOQ.

AN: This is another ROTOQ story, but with a little twist. I was in a sad mood and felt like writing so this is what happened. It's from Riff's POV, which is something new for me but I hope it's ok. Please review because if ya don't I'll be convinced that you hate it and I'll cry myself to sleep every night and it will be all YOUR fault. Thank you and enjoy!

_How long will it take for the pain to go away? How long until I can sleep at night again? How long will it take for your sweet smell to leave this house? How long will it take for your beautiful image to drift out of my head? _

I can still see you here, my love. I can still see you lying in the bed we shared, your voluminous curls spread beneath you on the pillow. So unaware of what was about to happen. You didn't know of the phone-call that that _bastard_ made to me that night. I had gotten up to answer it so that you, still sore from childbirth, could rest. When I came back into the room you were asleep, completely unaware of what was about to happen. What _I_ was about to do to you. I can still see you as you roll over and ask who called as I climbed back into bed. I can still see the fear and worry clouding your beautiful eyes as you notice that something isn't right. You immediately ask about little Nadia. She is only a week old and you are so protective of her.So caring to both her and I. _How could I do that to you my love, how could I hurt you like that._

The picture of you that night still haunts me in my sleep. _How could I do that to you? _I keep asking myself this question over and over and even now, fifteen years later, I haven't come up with an answer. All I have is the image of you, saturated in your own blood that was pouring from your throat. Pouring from that beautiful, pale throat. That throat that I so loved to kiss and caress. That throat that I had cut. _How could I do that to you, my love? How? _

I know now that you would never betray me. I knew even before the bastard came and confessed to his lies a day too late. I knew right after you were gone. _Oh love, if only I had realized this right before I took you away, how things could have been different!_ I miss you so much now. I miss your tender caress and soft words, your warm kisses and rich voice. I miss everything about you. 

And so does Nadia. She never speaks of it but I can tell it is hard for her not to have a mother. She doesn't know that I was the one who killed you. I know that it is wrong to lie to her but I'm so ashamed that I can't bring myself to tell her the truth. Every time I look at her it's like looking at you again. She has your hair and skin. She even has your voice and calm, reassuring personality, so opposite to mine. My daughter, _our_ daughter, she is the only thing that has kept me from leaving this world to join you. I have to stay here to protect her like I couldn't do for you. _I'm so sorry, my love_. 

I really wanted to protect you from the world. I never thought that I would have to protect you from myself. You trusted me with everything; your secrets, your body, your love, even your life. I took all of these things from you. I broke our trust, not you. It was me! 

"Dad, I'm going to start packing." That's Nadia. She is fifteen now and has just been accepted to an alien exchange program. Next week she is going to live with another family on a different planet and I will be alone again. I only hope that her host mother is as wonderful as you would have been, my love.

And I know that you would have been a great mother, had I given you the chance. I could tell by the way you looked at her that you looked forward to all the special times you could have shared. Her first steps, words, date. Everything. I remember the night she was born you lay awake next to me, fantasizing about everything she would accomplish. And you would be right there by her, the whole time. _Or you would've been, if I hadn't ripped you from this world. How? How could I take away everything from the woman I loved. I took your dreams, your love, and your life all because of a lie. I lie that I should have been able to see right through. _

I'm walking now, leaving the house and our daughter. She's packing and I doubt she'll notice I'm gone for a while. It's better that way. I don't want her to see what I'm going to do. I'm walking down familiar streets, streets I once walked hand in hand with you. I see a bench that I used to sit on while I waited for you each day after school when we were children. I pass it by, resisting the urge to sit and reminisce. It will only bring on more tears and pain. 

I finally arrive at the graveyard. Your tombstone is a dark polished stone. I'm standing above you now and talking to you. Do you hear me? I hope you do. I'm telling you about my week and Nadia but again you sense that something isn't normal, right.

I can't live with this guilt and sadness any longer. Nadia will be safe with her new family. She will be happy there. I pull the gun out of my coat pocket. No one else is around so again I'm all alone with you. For a moment my mind wanders back to other times when I was alone with you. The things we would do. I can almost feel your hot breath on my body as I stand here. _That breath that I took away!_

I'm so sorry, my love, my darling, my sister. Please forgive me! Please welcome me into your arms again. Only then can I find peace and comfort where I found it so many times before. So many cold nights spent lying in each other's warm embrace. I don't hear the sound of the gun as I pull the trigger but soon everything goes black and then a striking white. I see you again. I call your name and you turn and run to me, wrapping me in your arms.

"I'm so sorry." I weep into your soft hair.

"I know. I know. I forgive you. You know the truth now. You know that I would never betray you. That's all that matters." You say back, hugging me tighter. I'm so happy that you forgive me, love. I feel so much better and, as you take my hand and lead me over the clouds, I feel a weight lifted from my body. It is weight of living without you and it was so heavy that I could bear it no longer. But now I don't have to. Now we are together, my darling, together forever. I love you so much!


End file.
